Snow weekend

 Vonn and other older athletes are making their mark on the sport. They have unfinished business. What am I doing? Do I have unfinished business? Yes. It made sense when I heard that ADHDers live in the future. We are always thinking about what comes next. I am either all or nothing, Right now I am nothing. I am going through the motions. I go to work, go to work out, and drink....so much. I drink so much but it doesn't seem to affect me, but it does. 

Monday snow day! What a blessing. 

The other day, lying in bed, it occurred to me how free will and God's plan work together. We have the free will to do dumb things. God does not stop us from ourselves. God does not stop us from sinning. He might try to put obstacles in our way, but the stubborn fool will find a way to disobey. We blame God for bad things, yet we aren't even seeking his guidance or reading the rule book. I think that when Cannon cashed that fake check and had all that money taken away, it might have been an obstacle that God was putting in his way. Well, that was not going to stand with me. I prayed and prayed about getting that money back. And he did get the money then he turned right around and bht a truck, then got a DUI and eventually kicked out of the ARMY. Had I allowed the natural consequences to play out, things might have been different. BUT GOD still had a plan to work things together for Cannon's good. Cannon might not have gotten the help he needed, had he not been kicked out of the ARMY. Becoming a firefighter, dating Sarah, and breaking up with Sarah all led to him getting the help he has needed for a long time. 

Even now, God is using our messes to bring us closer to Him and salvation. I can't blame God for my drinking or my past or the things that have happened to me. I can only look up and follow now. I have decided today to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back. What does that mean? Sitting here right now feeling so far away from where I should be, want to be, need to be, I feel anxious, lonely, and sad, perhaps a little scared. I have so much fear surrounding Tucker and ski racing. What am I afraid of? That he will blow up, swear, and get kicked out of a program. I feel like he is in a better spot especially after he had a frustrating run last week and was able to walk it off. 

I feel lost. When I am at school, I have purpose and I do the work. On the weekends, I am in trouble. This morning, when I woke up at 12:30 am, I made a commitment to myself that I would stop living on default. I know I will benefit from taking time off and creating a better night time routine.