Sculpting the Soul

 Chiseling the outside is much easier than digging into the heart, mind, and soul. Lifting weights, running, and eating healthy are simple compared to praying, reading, and acting in according with Truth, Beauty, and Goodness. I am working through the Psalms and Proverbs right now and the message being repeated is that Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Wisdom leads to right actions.

Tucker is a tough one. I am not sure if he is a Sigma or Alpha. There are many other aspects to his personality but he is one that has difficulty accepting criticism. If it is sharp or personal, as with anyone, he will refuse to listen. He had an issue with a coach who seemed to be attacking him personally and it did not end well. He shut down after puffing himself up for battle. The take away from the article below is to help the teen not get defensive. This is huge. I can use this advice as well. I take offense when someone criticizes me. Perhaps my entire vengeful attitude can be attributed to someone telling me I did something wrong, or feeling like I did something wrong that led to a negative outcome. 

https://www.teenagesurvivalcoach.com/helping-your-teen-learn-to-accept-constructive-criticism/

As I explore Tucker's issues and how to help him learn to define his emotions and deal with things effectively I am confronted with my own shortcomings. Throughout my life when I have lost control and blown up at people or in situations it has been because I didn't get my way. If I look back to my teen years, Mom used to let me get away with being rude, sulky, and belligerent when I didn't get what I wanted. The situations that stand out in more recent years are Molly not taking care of Cannon, not getting the history head position, losing Winter Term, Tucker losing his job at WVA, BLM riots and people supporting it, Kacey voting for Biden. 

I see things one way. I want them to go in one direction. Then it changes. I don't get to dictate what happens. I am not in control. I hate that because I have always been able to do something to win it back. I get filled with hate and I want revenge. At least with Molly I kept my mouth shut to her. With the NH job, I just undermined Jon and we did talk about my lack of support for him in the position. This past year of one loss after another has been too much. The accumulative effect of Tucker losing his job, me losing mine, the stuff about Cannon, the stolen election, knowing that Kacey and Jared are part of the cabal of people who are destroying the USA. 

The issue as I see it-1)taking criticism, 2)dealing with disappointment 3)realizing I am not in control 

In the past, anger has worked. I had an ideal of how life should go, what it should look like. Those two ideals do not even come close to the reality. Taking things personally leads to the anger. Of course I take Tucker losing his job personally because it has a direct impact on my life. Yes, I take losing WT personal because I built it. There is an injustice in both of these cases. The issue with Kacey is certainly less of an injustice and more of me taking her voting pattern and lifestyle personally. 

The issue with Kacey is that she put boundaries around talking about politics. In my view, everything relates to politics. It is important to me that my sister thinks through policies and is informed. Since she has insulated herself from hearing the other side, I see this an opportunity to teach her the truth. Am I looking for validation? I guess from a job but not with Kacey's voting. I take Kacey's support for the left as a direct threat to my family. If she was family and cared about her nieces and nephews she would not vote for policies that will destroy our country. 

I have allowed the pandemic, BLM riots, and the stolen election to ruin my relationship with my sister. My BIL works for the CDC and has pushed all the Fauci lies with my family. Including the one that Trump didn't do a good job. Then came the BLM riots in Atlanta just blocks from my Sister's house. She was frantic since they were house bound and couldn't go stay with friends if their condo was burned to the ground. Then came the election. She gleefully voted for Biden. I won't talk to her. 

This issue is that Mom is not doing well right now. Her blood pressure is sky high and the fact that her children are at war makes everything worse. I could apologize for my tone and attack but I still feel the same way. I have to protect my children from people like her. They are the nice Germans whose collaboration sent millions to their death. The past episodes that led to anger have now settled into a slow burning resentment that could blow up at any time. When I see Anneleise I want to punch her in the face. Tracey Brumlik-burn her house down. Tory-kill her daughters. It is all women. Liberal women. They are pathetic idiots. I don't even know Tori other than she ruined our plans and threw our life into turmoil and she is horrible at her job. BUT they wanted a woman. Identity politics. 

Talking to Tucker is a waste of time. His only response is to get over it. He is good at it. Things don't bother him outwardly plus he is too busy to get bogged down in metacognition. I should get busy too. Journalling is the best for me. Talking to mom is good but not when it comes to Kacey. I don't know how I feel about Lorraine. 

The only reason I said anything to Kacey is that I had been drinking and smoldering over the election steal. I happened to see her Instagram comment about the inauguration and that was enough. I got her answering machine and I laid into it. I am trying to think about what I said. That she is to never contact me or my children. Don't send Christmas cards, I don't want you in their lives. That she voted for sending Cannon to war and if he dies the blood is on her hands. That she doesn't have children but she just voted to destroy the future of my children. I think I said Trump was bringing troops home, and he is pro life. Yes, I had an abortion and I pray I will be forgiven but you voted to expand abortions. Andrew was right, you are spoiled. Mom will not take that damn vaccine. You are part of the Covid lies. You are trying to kill mom with this stuff. I am going to see mom this summer and I will not go when you are there. I don't want my kids around you. 

Resentment-it can be held onto for years as I refuse to let it go. Over time the original anger leads to resentment that ember with a slow burn. Lorraine seems to think that all of my anger comes from being raped. Having control taken from me. Perhaps it goes back even further to the relationship with Tim. Or even further in having my parents divorce and watching my dad live out his alcoholic life for many years. Who knows? At this point, is it really worth digging everything up? Maybe the resentment is in getting pregnant, having Cannon and not being able to travel and make friends before I was thrown into motherhood before I knew what hit me and all the stress piled up. If there is truth to the INFJ personality thing....being incompetent is one of the worst things for me. 

http://www.marksichel.com/Forgiveness10StepsToLettingGoOfResentment.en.html

I don't see the use in trying to talk to Kacey now. It is not that I think she should apologize to me. In the grief model I am vaccinating between anger and depression on my way to acceptance. I bargained a bit with God about the election and there's still time for a reversal. I have not fully accepted that Kacey is a supporter of leftist politics but I guess she is. Maybe the real issue is the election. On 1/20 the anger and depression of having an election stolen and my country being raped by a corrupt democratic party blatantly mocked 

The five stages of grief model (or the Kübler-Ross model) postulates that those experiencing grief go through a series of five emotions: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Underlying anger is hurt, disappointment, or fear. Or all three. 

Anger serves several defensive purposes:

• It works as a shield that deflects uncomfortable primary emotions so they can be avoided or kept at a distance.
• It provides a sense of power and control.
• It directs focus outward to identifiable, external scapegoats (individuals, groups, institutions). It is almost always easier and more comfortable to focus on the actions of others than it is to focus on oneself.