thoughts

 I am a hypocrite. That is what I feel these days. How can I teach or parent when I know that my life, my internal dialogue and internal frustrations, are terrible or weak or whatever. So I finally had to say enough. I did it with 75 hard and I can do it again. Perhaps my greatest block is not giving it up for good. I can't see a life without alcohol at all and why is that? It is like breaking up with the boyfriend who treats you terribly but you remember a few shining moments. 

I was thinking about times in my life when I did not drink or at least alcohol did not have a big place in my life. When I first met Tucker, my tolerance for wine was not very high. When we started going to the Barnaby house for dinner I began to drink more with appetizers and then dinner but it was not to the point I'm at now. 

My why is to get back to things I love. Running, reading, and working out. Also learning and writing. All of these things faded when I began drinking more at night. I used to drink with dinner and then retire to the living room to read or watch tv with the family with a glass of water. Now my wine travels with me. In high school and college I was more of a binge drinker. Black out at times but sometimes just social drinking before hitting the dance floor. 

Maybe I did not eat enough yesterday but the couple of glasses of wine hit me hard.