I have put this off long enough. It is the same cycle over and over. I stop for a while and then I pick it up like I had never left. Why does alcohol trigger this anger in me? It brings out the resentment and bitterness for having been wronged 4 years ago! These feelings are not true. I don't feel that sense of bitterness when I am sober. It is a byproduct of wine and overthinking. 

I read that when we start having flashbacks of the traumatic event, we are ready to heal at a deeper level. Well then let's go. 

I have known the truth for a while but I did not want to acknowledge it because I thought it would mean doing something about it. Like swallowing my pride and apologizing for the things I have said and done. But NO not me, I dig myself deeper into the whole by covering up that shame wound with anger and criticism. Before I get distracted with researching shame, anger and forgiveness I need to get this out. 

Every person I have bitterness or negative feelings towards was a victim of me being an out of control emotional reactive asshole. I could not see the truth because it was more comfortable to blame those people for making me act out. Here is a short list of the people who I have bitterness towards or I have professed "to hate" because they are jerks, ignorant, liberal etc I justified by anger towards them because I had acted a fool and I did not want to face the truth. I use my anger and hate as a defensive shield to make it look like I am the injured party. Now I don't even know what happened with some of the situations like Sean Murphy and Tyler at WT. Those were exchanges that took on a life of their own and as soon as I lost emotional control and rationale thought fled, I went into fight or flight. 

Railing against the Weeden and Martin clan as stupid liberals who are destroying our town are a scapegoat. True they are both Democrats and they supported policies that are ruining our schools or at least giving power to the corrupt elite. Are they doing this on purpose? I would say no. They want a safe town for their families, the want money and a good life, but I am jealous because they have a summer home to escape the invasion of MA people to our town. Underlying my criticism is a bit of envy as well as embarrassment and shame for my actions during the mask wars. While I apologize? I don't know. Vicki made me mad when she got all excited for having a faster marathon than when I was just getting in a run. I should be proud because she sees me as someone to beat that I am a successful runner. She is looking for validation. It is all really stupid. I did not hate them until the mask wars and my crazy antics. Therefore it is a me thing and not a they thing. 

I know that everytime I attacked any of the people over masks I had been drinking. The issues with Molly are the only one that did not include drinking. I think back to Tucker telling me that Deb hated me and I said it was the alcohol and that it was not hate but a covering for her thinking she would be rejected or that we would find out her secret. She hated herself. 

Toxic Shame-Toxic shame can also develop in adulthood, when mistakes continue to haunt you long after they happen. Feeling unable to admit what you did or take some sort of reparative action can make this outcome even more likely. Toxic shame isolates you because you feel insecure and ashamed of who you are. Not what you did but who you are.