Now that I am done feeling sorry for myself, I can accurately look at Tucker's year. Hey did you know you have another child in ski racing? how about knowing you have 2 other children? 

I looked up the U12 results and on down the line. These same kids have been competing against each other for a few years. All of them trying to get to the top of the heap. They are so close in their racing results. What is the thing that will set them apart? 

Day 1 of Can Ams is over. The kids trained on an amazing hill that looks similar to Cannon. Tucker felt good about training and Bucket was happy with it as well. At the beginning of the day Bucket told me that some parents sent emails to Eric about Tucker's behavior in the Lodge at Proctor. The people said he was acting aggressive. I don't think he was directing towards anyone except himself. This has to stop. He will lose all friends if he doesn't get it under control. He is focused on the results and skiing safe. He has to let it go. Bucket asked what is going on and I told him that our family is in a tough spot. Jesus is the only way out but we don't have a church.  BUT I know the only way Tucker can get through this is by returning to the fold and focusing on glorifying God.  I realized that I had been asking God for successful runs to avoid any painful feelings for Tucker. I actually need to pray for Tucker to relax and just ski. 

When I was explaining Tucker's behavior to Danielle, I realized that I did not fully get what was happening. The issue the other day with the video game was not about the game but about Tucker being worried that he is going to make the wrong decision and he is going to fail. Therefore underlying all of this is fear of failure but if you focus on avoiding failure you create pressure thereby increasing the likelihood of failure. Ugh. He is afraid to be wrong or make a mistake. Perfectionism is not a good thing. It paralyzes. Danielle asked if Campbell was the only well adjusted kid. I guess so. 

Maybe if he imagines himself having a good run. Just smooth and relaxed

And then there is me...I am fat, bored, and stressed about the kids. Cannon should be in a rehab facility receiving therapy, I should be in rehab, Tucker is just overworked and stressed, Tucker is ready for stability and a simple life. The other day he asked why things can't be simple. 

I want Tucker to be a good sport and he always has been a good sport until this year. This winter has been tough. I don't know what is going on in his head. There were a few games in the fall where I saw his perfectionism arise. He hung his head after missing a shot, or got upset when he failed to shut down the opposition. It wasn't a big deal but it was there. He wants to win but what does the win provide? What does he gain with a win? That is the issue. His whole worth is wrapped up in the win.

watching the Cosby investigation and all the ways he groomed these young women to accept his advances. When you see this stuff it is triggering. 

January 5 Tucker blew up when he DNF at Cannon and yelled f#^$. He was sanctioned and had to talk to the TD. 

January 28 ish (not with FSC) he DNF again at the Kanc Classic and he blew up took off his skis and walked home. It was better only because he tried to get away from people. 

Then he was pretty good until Easterns when Bucket said it wasn't that bad but Tucker said it was as bad as ever kicking his ski and carrying on. Now Proctor over the weekend some girls reported that he was acting aggressive. What does this mean? 

His Super G did not go as well as he had hoped. He came over the knoll looking good got late on a gate then corrected with a mistake and one more mistake which cost him 1 second and at least 15 places. I am proud that he held it together at the mountain. Although as he stood there with the boys and listened to the announcer tell times he knew that he was not going to place well. He asked what place and at the time he was 35 and he said that was ok but there were still 30 kids to race. He ended up in 45. He did not eat lunch and the race did not go until 2pm. At this level you make a mistake or ski safe and you will not do well. He came down from slipping and he was just barely holding it together he went and got his bag we loaded up skis and went to the car. At the car he checked livetiming again and saw the 45. I tried to tell him that he had made 2 mistakes that cost him at least a second but he was just pissed and telling me to shut up. 

When we got home he went to his room to play his game. I wanted him to come to talk with me so I kept pushing. I am not sure what I said that made him mad. I called him a baby for getting so upset. It is only a race and that he is a great skier. He yelled that I made him feel like shit then he got in the shower and cried. We have to forget about yesterday and move into GS and SL. 

Good points-

1. Controlled emotions

2. He will have a good GS position-

how do we get to the point where he finds the fun again. Just go for some free runs? He needs to be with the boys but if he doesn't go today he won't know what is going on. And his phone is broken so he can't get in touch with the kids. I told him that I would take him to the Summit to see if the boys were there but he said no. He is afraid. 

After a tough 1st U16 year and a lag into 2nd year, Tucker found some fun. Yesterday there was a Mac Cup at Loon with a really fun course that had 2 knolls and a little jump. Well he lost a ski on the 5th gate of the first run so he decided to have a little fun on his second run. He put his trainers on and skied the top really well. When he hit the middle and the little jump he did a 360' than kept going. he gained speed and his trainers did not have an edge to hold him so he wiped out about 4 gates from the finish. His time was solid coming into the final stretch. Who cares? he had fun. The whole day was fun. It was a perfect blue bird day. Many of his top ranked racer friends DNF the first run. They were enjoying the twisty course. I hope this kid is breaking through to a new view of life. 

Right now Tucker's emotions are weapons against him. Somehow we need to get him to let go of the expectations and just send it. He looks tired and flat. Here I am once again hurting my child when he needs my support. We are not going to just get through the last 2 races. If he can shift his focus and decide to go all in and just send it for the final races he will end the season with no regrets. He looked great in practice and he should attack with the same mindset as the WV race. I wish he had a coach that would talk with him about expectations and how to attack. He needs to just go for it without fear. DNF or have a great run. What's there to lose now? 

Tucker is frustrated and tired right now. After his win at WV 

State Champs March 12-13. He did ok there. He got 8th for GS and 4th for SL. I think that is the beginning of the slow burn out. Right on the heels of State was Eastern Champs with shitting weather (again) but lots of fun with the kids. He had an ok SL safe GS and bad SG. BUT he made it into Can Ams. So it was a weekend of State champs, then the next week March 19-22 he was at Eastern Champs. He was not happy with his results. Then three days later he raced at Cannon and on Sunday Proctor. Once again it only served to frustrate him because he did not ski well. Although our point was to get his points down for next year. So he did that. Now we are here at Can Ams in complete survival mode. I can say throw out yesterdays race and focus on the next one but it is not so easy for him. We are taking today off. It has been raining all night and Tucker just needs a rest day. Besides it is only skillsquest for 2 hours. Tucker is supposed to be coming up tomorrow afternoon/night. I hope he gets here by 4 and he can take Tucker to the Summit for dinner and to see if the boys are swimming. They are all connecting and Tucker is not his usual happy personality. He is really in a funk. I will not say let's just get this over with. He can salvage his remaining races. If he just sends it, he will finish the season with no regrets.