The assignment today is a stream of consciousness journal entry. I picked Enya as my soundtrack and that put me right back 20 years with Cannon nursing in the NHS day care. It was the most peaceful beautiful setting. Patrice was so calm and loving. Me? Chaos, hot mess, energetic, passionate, always something going on. I think the soundtrack of my life is the William Tell Overture. Rushing around like Martha while Mary sits with our Lord, learning. The issue now is to determine and dissect why I drink. What am I hiding from? Was it that Dad was an alcoholic and it is like a self-fulfilling prophecy because Bebe told me to be careful etc but nobody warned me about sleeping around and getting pregnant and mom had that curse to bestow on me.
Today in one of the podcasts or videos, Annie Grace said that blame is the worst emotion. If you blame others, you have given up all of your power. That is how I have always felt about being raped. However, I still blamed someone. I blamed myself which still puts the blame on someone and crushes that person. I don't know if I am supposed to just accept it with "it is what it is" and move on or if there needs to be a process. I do have the virtual EDMR that I will try during the next 30 days while I still have the subscription. I miss those early days with Cannon and Tucker. Just the 3 of us. It was a shock, but we were figuring it out.
Every time I have encountered a setback or an obstacle, I have fought against it. Like the fly that Annie talked about. There is a fly that gets into the house through an open door. It flies around the house and tries to get out through a closed window. It bumps into the glass, over and over and over. Only a few feet away is the open door that would be easy to fly out, but it keeps ramming its head on the window. That is me when life gets tough. I keep fighting it, arguing with it, churning the issue over and over in my head ruminating on it until I am worked up and ready to smash through the window because I can't see straight. All of the things that have brought me to tears and tantrums were of this nature. Something happens that I can't handle. An injustice, totally wrong, unfair, bullshit! I decide that I am going to seek revenge somehow. I am going to hurt them. This pertains to issues like Cannon's hurt, Tucker's job loss, losing WT, all of those types of things. Finding out about Nancy and Paul and all that history that I can't fix or change. If I am helpless I get crazy. I am a doer but I had the wrong tools. What I should have done, and what I did do for most of my life, is to refocus my attention on something else a new goal etc. Running was always my outlet
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