notes

 I am an Indian. A Cherokee and Creek Indian from the southern United States of North America. At least that is what I am told and that is what I see in my skin and that of my boys. CC on the other hand is purely from the isles of the North Atlantic. 

When was I happy? Reading stories with my children as I homeschooled or just raised them. I still remember laying on the floor in Cannon's room reading Charlotte's Web while we made a story map. He is a worker today because of the work that I did with him and through his experiences. So if I believe this to be true, then it should also be true that I am a product (to some extent) of my experiences. Mom was usually able to find the silver lining in everything. Now that I know what I know about her life, I see her unfailing ability to see the good as a protective shell she created to endure the difficult times. 

Time does not seem to heal all wounds. 

What other people think of me is none of my damn business. 

I listened to a really good podcast on my 5am walk/run with Shadow. It brought up several things. First, the idea that when I was young I gave my trust too easily to people who had not proved they could be trusted. From friends to men, that is basically what I did. I just jumped right in and if we clicked, ie had chemistry, then they were someone I could trust. Not the case. After rapes, bad relationships, not having needs met, I did a 180' and put up walls and stopped trusting. I fell into everyone is bad, instead of everyone is good. I guess I am a woman of extremes. 

The way you learn to trust yourself is to keep your promises to yourself. Walk the talk. That is also the measure for others. In 2019 when Tucker lost his job, that sense of security and trust was destroyed by betrayal. Adding 2020 Winter Term and then the stolen election and you have a complete meltdown. 

Codependents have issues with trusting too much or too little. 

Trustworthy: open and honest communication, clear boundaries, predictable, and reliable

To be trustworthy you should have honest communication. Here is where I lose it with women. When I hear someone talk about another person to me, I know they are doing the same about me. I can't trust someone who will talk about "their friends" behind their backs. 

Hmm the whole boundaries discussion. I have an issue with this one. To be so straightforward about your desires seems odd to me. It is like a laundry list of things you can and can not do therefore limiting spontaneity. Interesting that in the 1950s there were clear boundaries in law and practice that told women how to behave. I guess regarding relationships I had never thought about what I would do. Psychology.com suggests having a frank discussion and not to be idealistic or accomodating. Yeah. I was probably idealistic. Mom was probably idealistic as well since she refused birth control. 

It is like there are these two or more people inside of me and sometimes my Id(?) watches my Ego to see what will happen this time. Hmm wonder what she is going to say or do today. When I went through the 50 days of 75 hard I no longer had that passenger riding along calling the shots. 

Reading all of this stuff now, I do not think that I had an attachment issue or other major things. I bonded well with mom and knew that I could trust her. 

Infogalactic points out that Addicts often believe that being in control of others is how you achieve success and happiness in life. People who follow this rule use it as a survival skill, having usually learned it in childhood. As long as they make the rules, no one can back them into a corner with their feelings.^[2

Then I get to the point where I think Americans in general and youngsters in particular are way too self-absorbed. I have 5 tabs open with articles about me

When you’ve grown up in a dysfunctional family environment where your parents kept secrets or invalidated your perceptions, you learned to doubt yourself. You may become distrustful and/or the opposite, suggestible to what others say and disconnected from your own inner guidance system. Either way, you’re not able to realistically evaluate other people.