Suppressed Anger

How do I get to the bottom of my anger? Is it because I feel a sense of failure? That I am a victim? Is it because I do not communicate my needs and then become bitter or resentful? Perhaps it is that I am conflict avoidant until it builds up. I watched a good youtube about anger and how we are often told not to express anger (rather than learning how to address it in a healthy way) so we put up walls and try to ignore it. Tucker always says, "No big deal. Just forget about it. So I try to do that but it doesn't work for me. It festers until I am full of shame and regret." 

I use suppression of anger until it just explodes. I mean a few days ago I felt like we had turned a corner with positive things happening all around us. When I initiate it, I can have good conversations about difficult subjects, but I mostly try to avoid them. I guess suppression and avoidance are two defense mechanisms. Being angry is scary. We are told not to be angry so then we feel shame when we feel angry either righteous or otherwise. Our feelings are a message to us. "Our anger is typically a reaction to emotional pain: feeling disrespected, powerless, diminished, shame, guilt, sadness..." When we ignore our feelings, we diminish our self-awareness. We stop trusting ourselves. BUT we don't need to act on our anger. It is a thermometer telling us that something needs to be addressed. Usually by addressing the situation that caused the pain. But what if the moment is gone? When we avoid anger, we also avoid the emotional pain that led to the anger. Suppressed anger can lead to depression. 

Perhaps without alcohol, I could just be quiet and move along through life. I look over the laundry list of shit, mostly my fault, and just feel defeated. Like this can't be true. How does all this happen to one person? No way.  Suppressed anger could be a reaction to anxiety. Communication is affected by anger suppression and could lead to passive-aggressive behavior. Suppressed anger causes us to live halfway. It's like I had no idea how bad I was until the shit hit the fan. I mean Tucker and I got into fights and it was usually because I did not stand up for my desires. I just tried to do what was expected placing my needs last and not speaking up until I burst. Anger is trying to protect me from harm. To move forward I have to become more self aware of the triggers and of when I get angry. I can

I can't help but wonder how being raised by a single Mom and visiting my alcoholic Dad related to being raped and having an abortion. But that is not all...the loss of innocence happened early. I had no clue as a child. This recent memory of