Wine Therapy

 Everyone says to forget about it when the things pop up in your head without warning. For a long time, I have remembered standing up on the toilet cover and something happening. Then peeing in the floor heater vent because I was afraid of the bathroom. 

There is this re-occurring memory of me standing on the toilet in the upstairs bathroom. I know there is a black man in the room, but I don't know anything more. When I brought up the image to mom in Florida, she said that she noticed the blankets weren't right. There was something strange. This is not along the lines of Erica withholding from McKenna that she had some ADHD issues. This was an issue that Mom did not think was worthy of reporting, or seeking further information about. No she was embarrassed that she didn't have the money to pay the babysitter who did something to me. Here I sit many years later, like 43-45 years later with no recourse, no answer, no apology. Is that just the way it ends? 

Then what was the meaning of the dream where I envisioned a man with no legs next to me at the movie theater being blown out of his seat? Is any of this real? 

What really gets me is that Mom does not care. She is not going to come after me. She is mostly concerned with Nancy. Look at you, not a hair out of place blah blah blah. What is this feeling I am having? Jealousy? The same feeling that I have suffered from all of my life...align with me. Be with me and exclude all others. That is not exactly the feeling but when I get suspicious, that is what I think and feel. 

always feeling like someone is behind me talking about me with very little concern with getting to know me or what the hell was going on. That would be hard anyway because I did not and do not know. 

Tucker and my children are the ones that I am connected to now. Do I need to go down the road to discover anything more about the shit? 

Midway in our life's journey, I went astray

    from the straight road amd woke to find myself

    alone in a dark wood. How shall I say 

what wood that was! I never saw so drear, 

    so rank, so arduous a wilderness!

     Its very memory gives shape to fear. 

Was Dante telling a universal tale? Will we all find ourselves with our memories midway through life wondering what happened? Perhaps. 

Yesterday was such a good day. We went down to Portsmouth, had