thoughts

 Most of my life, I believed I could do whatever I wanted to do and I did do whatever came across my path. I found jobs in various cities, and I followed my dreams/passions. The only time I felt a sense of frustration and failure surrounding work, was when I moved to Florida with Dad after leaving Fishers Island in 1990. They were telling me that I was an alcoholic since I lost my job because of an alcohol related event. Well, the reality is that it was probably more related to ADHD and executive dysfunction but yes, alcohol was involved and even the smart catholic boys did not tell me it was not a good idea. I was always the savior, fearlessly stupid. "No, I can do it. I will be ok." Thus, I stole the beer sending it through a window in the lady's room only to find out that the owner was standing right there. What an idiot. This was not the only time I did stupid shit; sober or drunk I did dumb stuff. Fortunately, on the island I did not have a car or I am sure I would have gotten a DUI during this time. That was my 19th summer. 

In August of 1990, I found myself in Florida with the prospect of going to Rollins College. Have you seen Rollins? Yeah well I loved the campus and I have lied to myself for a very long time when I said that Rollins was too high faulting for a poor kid like me. That is a lie. Living with Dad for that short month made me realize that I had no clue who this man was. It was an awkward time. I am sure he wanted me to stay with him but he did not know how to appropriately give me affection or guide me. Back in those days I did not drink daily or even think about it. But if there was alcohol involved trust me that I was going to be drunk and foolish. I stayed there for a while looking for jobs in the mall and at shops in town. I did not get a hit for anything. My only work experience had been at Pinter's Flower Shop, a Hallmark store for 2 weeks, and the Pequot bartending. Nobody was hiring and I did not make it easy since I was not invested in staying. Dad must have been in his Adler stage because he let me make my decision. 

Sometime around the end of the month, we went to Georgia for Grandma and Grandpa's 50th wedding anniversary. In retrospect, Dad looked horrible. He was gaunt with sunk in eyes. He was only 46 which is crazy because that means Mom was about that age. Gosh when I think about being 46-50 I can't imagine having kids that age. During the anniversary celebration weekend, I confronted Dad and told him that I never knew him and why did he ever leave. I don't recall what I said but there was a lot of pent up anger and pain. He told me that I did not mean it just like he would tell me 10 years later when he came to see me in NH. 

That was during soccer camp at New Hampton. I was hugely pregnant and Dad came for a visit. It was 2002. Tucker had the coaches over to play cards and drink and Dad went to the bathroom and fell asleep on the toilet. OMG the guys had to pee outside. Finally Tucker came in and said he thought there was something wrong. Another time during the week Dad was just walking across the fields while they were practicing and someone yells, "Hey, old man? We are practicing here." He was not even 60! I would like to get together with Andrew and tell him these stories. I think that was the summer Dad told me he wanted to move to NH. I felt torn. Here I was just married and pregnant and the man who left me wants to move closer to me? I was torn up with expectations and needs. Boundaries were blown up. I could not think of what to do. We went to buy boots "because it will snow in NH and I need boots

It sucks to be an introvert at times. I understand how Dad felt. He had finally built a life that he was proud of, he spent his retirement to save those children when he could have helped his own kids and grandkids, but he must have thought that Dave had it covered. It is all so strange and I only dealt with things as they emerged. Dad was someone I could talk to. When times were hard he was always the one I would call. When I was having an affair with a married man who I really liked, he understood and did not judge me. 

I remember one time at dinner telling Cannon if his girlfriend got pregnant that we would help them. I told him that I would do the same for any of his friends who got in a similar situation.