Here is my why...below is how I was feeling when I was drinking every day at times beginning at lunch. This is not the life I want to live. The 20 minutes to an hour of high is not worth the damage to my body, my family, and my life. 30 or 60 or 75 days off will show me a life free of alcohol. I know it is good sine I have done it before. It is a good life.
Saturday-Stayed busy running around with Tucker to get him ready for Easterns at Burke. Then drive to Gunstock to see Campbell's 2nd GS run. Because I was sober, I wasn't a bitch. I did not say, boy that really sucked. What the hell I pay $20000 to Bucket and he can't teach you to ski GS. The irrational bs crossed my mind but I did not do it. I know she felt horrible about the run. Her next run was better. She went from 49-28. Baby steps. Tucker and came home and did some relaxing. Campbell and Dad got home around 4:30 and we had dinner. I find it easier to deal with meal times if I don't sit and eat. I take a bite and run around. I do love my Topo Chico, and Cherry Wine down before bed.
Sunday-time change but Campbell did not have to be at the race until noon. We organized and packed up for Burke then Tucker and I drove to Proctor for run 1 at 1:45. Tucker was good watching times and seeing how Campbell would do. He always nags her so she did not care to talk to him. She had been feeling tired and belly ache all week, so we were happy she got 7th. We came home, finished packing, then headed to Burke in a rain storm. Got there around 5:30, unloaded, and I drove home to have a quick dinner before Tuck left. I made it another day. I couldn't sleep because I was so excited for Campbell making it to Easterns. I could not have done any of this if I was drinking. I would have been eager to get home and have a drink, wrapped up in coat, trying to disappear.
The Why Feelings before AF
I am bored and lonely and now I have passed my trauma onto Campbell...angry outbursts. Yelling and crying in a drunk rage. Feeling sorry for myself. Why me? Poor me.
Tucker keeps talking about money. He pressures me about getting a job. Yes, I would love to return to teaching but I don't think that I am capable. I don't think that anyone wants me. Feeling that my drinking would keep me from teaching. Drinking is more important than learning something new and putting myself out there. Afraid that my record (event happened while drunk) will prevent me from moving forward.
I look around this town and I get pissed off. Mad at myself for burning all the bridges and creating chaos.
I guess it was Saturday that I forgot to take the hormone pills. I stopped taking my hormone pills. I had a whirlwind of reactions. Looking for answers as to why I feel crappy and depressed when it is sitting right in front of me.
I did not think of myself when we decided to stay in Lincoln. I thought about Campbell and now I am resentful of her. It is not her fault. I made a clouded decision to make someone else happy. My hands are bloated right now. My face is too. All the alcohol. I made the right decision. Campbell would have been fine at either place but it has been a good year for her. It is just me feeling isolated and alone that makes me shade the world.
I think I stopped taking the HRT medication on Saturday. It is now going on 6 days. I am not sure if I should start taking it again or not. I feel pretty good but I am drinking a lot. well maybe not a lot 😏 but plenty. I have a drink with lunch then I have more with dinner and then during my nocturnal wanderings I have another. I am consuming at least 8 drinks a day that is equal to about 2 bottles of wine. No big deal right? Ugh It is just weird. I am trying to understand it and that is the issue. I never get drunk until I get drunk and fall out crazy.
the Naltrexone will arrive perhaps by Monday March 18. I could begin all the changes at that time. change of plans. Got drunk on Thursday March 7, couldn't sleep, woke up with a horrible hang over and I said no more. Well that is after I drink the hair of the dog and get through this day. Saturday March 9 alcohol free 30/60/75 begins.
I would say that I am at an all time low (drinking) or maybe an all time high (weight), but it doesn't feel that way. I am drinking a lot. I don't sleep at night and when I wake up around 2-3am I come downstairs to have a drink and a snack then go back to bed. It has been really bad the last 2 weeks with all the rain and stress. I had a couple good runs last week and then boom out of routine and nothing. There are only 8 weeks until the downhill race and I want to do it no matter what. It will just give me a reason to be consistent.
Here's how I know it is time. My boobs are getting big along with my lats. That back fat and boob fat demonstrates a metabolic mess.
Friday March 8 It has to be now. Today was awful. I drank too much last night. I had a few martinis then I had red wine and a microwave lava cake plus I had vodka tonics during the day. I am sure that I drank at least 10 servings. I woke up at 2am shaking and feeling like I was going to puke. I couldn't get back to sleep so it was up at 6am to eat and then dry heave for a while. All day I felt like crap. At 11 I decided the only answer was hair of the dog and lunch So I did. I don't want to do this anymore. I am over it. Aside from feeling like shit half the time, I have gained weight in my back, belly, and butt.
This is not who I want to be. Drinking all the time is not what I want. I am a slave to this substance. Perhaps the thing to do is read Dante while I get my shit together.
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