brain dump

 It is odd to be sitting in the equilibrium position admittedly ready to swing out of control toward the other side. Is it over the hill? Surely, I am halfway to somewhere? If all that has been, is over, why do I keep clawing my way back to it like a dog returning to its vomit? I see now that nothing I did was original, it was foretold by psychologists who proclaimed, "Daughters of Single Mothers will be ...." And I was. 

There were times when I was so caught up in what I was doing that I did not need any other distractions. Swimming was one of those things. The season was fun, I was intently pursuing goals, and the coach and the team were comfortable. When I tried to recreate that feeling at Adrian it fell flat. Adrian did not have anything for me but pain and distraction. Leaving campus was exactly what I needed. 

Then when I found teaching aerobics. I was so busy working, learning routines, and studying for the different licenses that I did not have enough time to go out and get into trouble. Then I got into my marathons and that usually kept me busy. In relationships, I would always fall into a boredom trap or a situation where I would feel like I was a caged animal. I would feel defensive. And when that happened I would leave. I would get in the car and go or I would, even worse, run to someone hoping they would take me away from the moment. I can't stand to be in that situation. 

Listening to Tom Wolf describe campus in the late 90s and early 2000s differs from what I experienced. At GVSU I did not even frequent the frats, I did not even know they existed, it was enough to know the football players and athletic trainers those were my families and friends. and to know that I was so obtuse. Is my goal to "see things as they are"? Do I really want to see things as they are or play in sandcastles and play in an imaginary world where I wish the way things could be? But I settled that score. 

Knowing that I have a brother and sister out there that I never knew has thrown me into a whirlwind. Why is it affecting me so badly? The time with Nancy was warm then anger...I guess when I met her family and all the people who stole her. I hate her mom and dad for taking her from mom. But nothing would be as it is if Mom had been able to keep Paul and Nancy. I have to get in touch with Paul. I have to send that letter.