What shall I do with this time in my life? On the edge of 50, over the halfway point of life, a vision for my future, our future, is faltering. I do know one thing is true...Jesus died for my sins. God is in control even now.
1. Spiritual renewal-reading through Nehemiah it is apparent that if I want to be renewed and refreshed and filled with the spirit and a vision for my future that glorifies God, I need to stay in the Word.
Nehemiah 8 tells a story of the Jews eager to hear the Word of God. Standing for 6 hours, listening to the Word read aloud and returning the following day for more. They hungered for the truth. Logos!
I still need 125 miles to complete my Run NH Challenge. That gives me 2 weeks to get it done? That might not happen. Perhaps I could get two marathons squeezed in there.
Last year we were financially and emotionally spent. Salary cut in half and stress about bills overloaded us. Then came Covid and riots etc. It has made me reassess the important things. In April we began to cut our expenses that weren't necessary. We dropped our tv service $60/month, reduced our Verizon $25 month, and several other subscriptions. We took our expenses down as low as possible.
Winter Term has always been an exciting time of the year for me. Planning lessons to encourage the kids to think and discuss brought me joy. Creating a space where we could talk freely about current events and historical connections sparked my need for intellectual conversation. It was always tough but it was a labor of love. Until last year. I was already burned out after 2018-19 and had planned to leave if I could find another middle school program. It didn't happen. We were desperate for money so instead of withdrawing or reducing my load I upped the load. This was a fatal flaw.
There were a few parents who expected specialized tutoring which would have taken all of my time considering their child lacked focus and the ability to work independently. The kids this year were not as bright as those in the past. They also lacked curiosity. They just wanted to be done already. Rather than just let them float I pushed. You know what happens when you push harder? Resistance increases.
At this point, it is best for me to walk away. Perhaps I can find 1 or 2 kids to tutor alongside of TC and CC but I am done with the "school" at Cannon Mt. This is a good time since we do not know what is going to happen with Covid requirements. As Trump said last night kids don't get the virus, and if they do, they don't die from it.
I have realized with all that is going on, I need to keep my family close. They are not going to be indoctrinated by evil or well intentioned teachers or society. Even in the church we must be careful because there are wolves and goats all around.
My heart is where I get my identity.
Matthew 15:1-20
What is the heart? internal dimensions of a person. The soul, spirit, mind. Heart consists of your desires. 3 functions-feeling (desire/emotions), thinking (rationalizing/believing), and volition (will/power to choose what we say and do comes out of the heart)
We think
We believe
We choose
Proverbs 15:15 heart joyful, love of God poured into our heart
The Lord looks on the heart. Out of the heart we are defiled. Not what goes in but what comes out.
Defiled heart and God oriented heart
Defiled heart is guilty. Moral guilt. Heart that is far from God. v. 18-19 all sorts of sin and defilement flow from within.
Do I have a defiled heart?
focuses on externals, that which is outside. You don't talk about the heart if you are defiled. The Pharisees weren't concerned with doing right but with what looked right. legalistic heart is never satisfied with obeying a law but they must make others follow it as well. Honor with lips but their hearts are far from me. Where is your heart? Appearance or real?
Matthew 27-rotten hearts encased in a body that looks look.
We should desire change but don't focus on the external rather than our heart change. Good behavior is not enough. Christians try to change conduct, clean up your act, learn skills to stop sinning. Usually this does not change behavior. You must have a heart change. Defiled heart will lead to sin. Addiction to one thing will be switched to another vice because the underlying issue has not been addressed. Sin is at the heart. We have to understand what is it in our hearts that is leading us to sin? What am I loving that is not worth my affections. What lie am I believing? If behavior can't be change we think it is our circumstances. Blame our sin on external circumstances. If I just get me time to relax, I won't sin against my husband and children.
Defiled focuses on external, focuses on the law of man,
5th commandment honor father and mother
Rabbis kept all of their things as part of the church, they gave everything to the temple, this was a tradition and loophole but not aligned with God's command to honor fathers and mothers
Deuteronomy do not add to or take away from the law of God
Show hospitality, be humble, love your neighbor-->external wear nice clothes to church
our hearts are rotten. If we add to or take away from God's law we will sin.
Emotion versus Truth. Defiled heart does not seek the things of God. We want to appear to be good. Which law will we conform ourselves to? God's law or man's law
Pharisees followed their law because it allowed them to continue with their defiled hearts. If they followed God's law they would see their defiled heart.
Which law of man am I trying to follow? Do they give the appearance of godliness while covering a defiled heart.
A defiled heart is wicked. v. 13 defiled hearts will be judged. The wicked defiled heart. Washing your hands or look clean on the outside if your heart is dark and defiled. God is not pleased by outward looks. he is pleased when you delight in his law.
The God oriented heart
1. Clean heart is close to God. Loves God and his law. Does not seek to replace his law with his own law. The clean heart is concerned with behavior because they know it is a reflection of their heart. They do what is right because they desire to do what is right.
2. Not defiled and not under the condemnation of God. you know the state of your own heart not worried about others. Do you do the right thing out of pure motives? Do you consider the commands of God before those of man?
Change desires. Refocus your heart.
How do I change desires? Desire that which is greater. Replace the desire.
How do I change my behavior from desiring sinful behavior? Desire something greater. Think about God's love for his people. Blessings. The Good, the True and The Beautiful. Affections will change for Him not your sin.
If you feel condemned, go to Christ. You are not condemned in Him, you are forgiven. Confess your sins. Recognize that you have a sinful heart.
Psalm 51 create in me a clean heart.
Ezekiel 36 heart of stone and heart of flesh You must become a new man with a new heart. Born again. you can not give birth to yourself, your heart must be regenerated. God will change your defiled heart if you trust him. Go to God because you can't clean it yourself. Go to God.
Thank you for your Word. Body and soul.
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