Laying Down the Chip

 Where did I get the chip? What actions did I take that led to the chip being lodged deeper into my shoulder? What do I tell myself? Is it true?

I am here today because of my own actions. Other people did not do this to me. My reaction is under my control. I chose 

At some point I became so consumed by the injustices and unfairness in my life that it became a lens through which all events were filtered. For instance, this morning I was looking for Campbell's videos from a race and hers was not there. I had this heat well up inside of me, the voice said, "Of course, the didn't get hers. They don't like her. She didn't get the award either. They think she is..." It is the critical voice of the devil. Right now, I do not think many people like me because of the events that have happened in the past few years and because I have isolated myself since I feel like people talk about me or my kids and don't like us. 

The problem is that this focus on the past injustice and confirmation bias to find more proof, has eaten up my time and joy. It has led to covetousness, anger, and suspicion. I want to deal with this chip along with the other emotions I am feeling or that have caused me and my family so much pain these past few years. In an article, it states that the chip can make you more aggressive, touchy, and reactive. In the end, it leads to alienating myself and others. 

The ski payment issue with Danielle was about the chip on my shoulder that everyone is trying to nickel and dime us and crush us financially. But we are the ones that have made the decision to homeschool, do winter term, and me not work. 

What does this chip give me? I guess the chip gives me energy sometimes. Albeit a negative energy that gets me into trouble. I get out there and try to make other people feel the pain that I felt/feel. I creates a cycle. I guess when I got angry with mom, I wanted her to know that she is to blame for my shitty life. If only I had been raised in a stable 2 parent home I would be well adjusted. The truth is that I can't change my past. I can only accept that it is what it is (did I seriously type that) and try to adjust for the future. 

I wish I knew how all of this relates to TC. I am sure since my attitude has been hate filled and venomous, it has rubbed off on him. 

Would it help to get rid of it? Giving up this chip would be helpful. It might even heal those around me. Last Sunday I felt a heaviness lift from me and that oppressive spirit was the burden of the chip although it is still there and I have a battle before me. 

1. become better at noticing the ‘critical chip on the shoulder voice’ without reacting to it
2. become clearer about the things that have happened to us that have put the chip there, and use our improved knowledge about ourselves to live better, to create better options for ourselves.

TC and I both need to work on emotional control. He is usually pretty good but when the emotion is high, we both struggle to keep it together.